Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Best spot.. 😅

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.