Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.