Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.