I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
the last thing a carrot sees
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty