Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.