Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

How many? 🤔

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

This will never not be funny 😭

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

My dad teaching me to drive

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba