I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year