I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.