Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

There is no “we” in chocolate.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?