I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Worm Regards”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.