I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The funk soul brother
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about