I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.