I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
