I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Did I do this right
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.