Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit