Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]