Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.