I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
When ur friends with white people
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.