I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.