Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch