Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
the clam before the storm
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.