Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Me trying to “trust the process”

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?