I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
oh you wanna fight?!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.