I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
he was correct
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.