Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything