I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
You Might Also Like
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Lube but for my dry humor.
pain
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm