I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*