I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.