Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.