I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I am also baked goods
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You