I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
When someone says you are so lazy
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Okay
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @