Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.