I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
mechanics be like
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.