I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.