i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”