Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

goldfish mafia

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone