Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

May have had one breakfast too many

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.