Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

🤣

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

My beach vacation Google searches

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”