Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

#Caturday