Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Cheer up.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.