I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.