Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back