Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

“No way.” -Jose

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

True.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”