Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that