I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
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Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”