I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I love the honesty
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
