I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
