I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.