I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
how it started vs how it ended
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of