I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
You Might Also Like
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that