Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.