I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
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GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Tell the colonel to bring it
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat