I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
this is uni
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?