Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

My whole life was a lie.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…