Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir