Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.