I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
monday
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”