I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.