Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.