Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

ok this is my dumbest yet

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”