I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?