Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take