Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

#oldknees

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

When you’ve simply given up.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.