I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You Might Also Like
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Jogging has never helped my memory.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction