Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move