I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.