Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

welcome back

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it