I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]


I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t


[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed


9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”


ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance


Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes


Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…


My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries