I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
no refunds
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves