I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You Might Also Like
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
when a toddler tells a story
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
These 3D printers are insane!
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.