I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The pen is writier than the sword.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school