I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Reporter: *ports again*
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.