Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees