I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How to wake up a Beagle
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.